To be very honest with you, I am afraid. I am afraid of experiencing death.
I have yet to experience real death in the present moment. An unexpected death of someone close or witnessing someone die in front of me.
The majority of my experiences with death have been somewhat removed — a close friend losing a parent, a terrible accident of a classmate, my mother’s best friend losing her husband…experiences of grief and loss but through another lense.
When my grandfathers died, I was away at college. We had time to prepare. In their last days, I spoke to them both over the phone. It did not feel scary. They were not afraid… they were only sad to say goodbye.
Even though they are now gone, I still look to my grandfathers for their wisdom.
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve chosen to believe in guardian angels.
I feel some shame writing this…am I silly to believe in something I can’t explain?
I also feel guilt.
Losing someone is difficult and I cannot begin to write about the pain and grief so many others endure with death. Who am I to try and turn this all into a positive story about my grandfathers as angels?
I only hope that by writing this I can share some sort of support or at least open up an honest conversation.
It could be religious teachings or childhood stories, but the idea of a guardian angel has always been something that feels right in my heart. Even when those close to me did not agree.
My father’s father sometimes appears to us in the form of a big red-breasted robin. He comes quickly, in moments unexpected, but he appears confidently and he chooses moments when our family has gathered together — as if to say, “I miss you,” but, “I am enjoying this, too!”
My mother’s father appears with the number 5. Right before his death, they agreed on the number 5 as a way to communicate when he was gone. He also likes to choose his moments. My mom’s flight number to say goodbye to him was #555, and as my sister walked down the aisle, a glance at the clock showed us 5:55pm.
Note: You can hear more of my mother’s conversation about this in Episode One of Dianna’s podcast, Our Stories.
Comfort. Support. Belief.
This is what I feel when trying to describe these special occurrences with my grandfathers after their deaths.
I finished his book on an airplane traveling between two cities…similar maybe to how he “traveled” between what we could consider two cities.
I started to cry.
I felt overwhelmed by his words but also at peace. His experience made me feel that death is nothing to be afraid of. In his words, “death is not the end of personal existence but only a transition.”
At some point, Dr. Alexander just couldn’t rely on the science anymore. He started to rely on the spiritual or the magic or whatever it is we want to call it…
Much like these moments with my grandfathers. We could consider these occurrences with the robin or number 5 as a coincidence or just a nice thought for my family to feel comforted. But isn’t that just it, choosing to believe in something for comfort?
We are taught of Buddha, Jesus, goddesses, and divine beings that guide us and protect us. I have some friends who choose not to believe in any of these spiritual ideas; although, they do choose to believe in something…they believe in love, they believe in comfort, they believe in support.
And when it comes down to it, aren’t these stories and teachings really about instilling faith or love? As a way to find support and comfort from the heartaches of life and death?
I remember a conversation I had with a friend of mine about this. He did not believe in God or any gods. Although, he did believe that our societies and countries needed spirituality or religion — that people needed something to believe in.
“Don’t let your religion get in the way of your spirituality,” comes to mind.
I don’t remember where I came across this saying. Maybe it was in a conversation or read in a book, but it has always stuck with me.
I think of Dr. Alexander who so surely believed (and had scientific proof) that the after-life didn’t exist. But, after he returned to his body from a near death experience, at some point, he just couldn’t let the science be the only reasoning anymore.
We often can’t explain these things or why they happen. Maybe we don’t need to. Maybe that’s the interesting part? How lucky we are to have these conversations!
So, why am I afraid of death?
It feels like unknown territory. Childhood stories stick with me: the depictions of a grim reaper, of darkness and evil…
But what I think really scares me is leaving behind those I love and the beauty of life as I know it.
Having these conversations helps lift some of my fear. Talking to others who have suffered great loss. Talking to others who don’t have the same beliefs as me.
Writing this out, I already feel a little less afraid of death.
I didn’t know where to begin with this conversation, so I looked to those with the wisdom. I looked to my grandfathers and what they taught me and continue to teach me.
More wisdom: Dianna shares her favorite recommendations here. Our Stories is also a beautiful project — listening to others talk of death and loss is an eye-opening perspective.
There is so much support and wisdom around. Whether it comes as a red-breasted robin, in a book, or a conversation with a friend. It is up to us to make the choice to listen and to look deeper.