Insight 2: To Want & To Flow

To Want & To Flow —

When Dianna first asked me to write about conscious living, I struggled to find the words. Then as any good psychotherapist would, she prompted me with a question:

“What is your philosophy on life?”

From there, a thousand words came up and now I try my best to share those words with you.

The other day, I was talking to my sister about the want in life — this constant and consistent want for something — for the next big thing to happen in our lives.

I would say things like, 

“When I land this next job… then I will have it all figured out.” Or:  “When I have a house of my own and no longer rent… then I will be happy.” 

My sister would say, “When I am married… then life will be good.” Or:  “When I finish grad school… then I won’t be so stressed out.”

Over a period of time, we noticed how this want dictated how we looked at our day-to-day. It went on and on.

I want this… because when I have this… then everything will be right in my world.  

Then, 

when, 

soon — that’s when I will be happy.

The want showed up consistently. In some ways it drove me to succeed, and in other ways, it was a way for me to avoid looking at how I truly felt.

I had this idea of how the next big life event would bring me the happiness or satisfaction I craved.

Well sure enough, my sister got married and I got the job, but did my life really change that much? Was I drastically all of a sudden happier and more complete?

Yes — exciting change and happiness were involved with these life moments we so longed for. But no — overall, we are still the same. I still find the want showing up for other things.

For me, becoming aware was a crucial part of this on-going need.

Every day, I try to hold myself accountable to this self-awareness with journaling, yoga, or nature…whatever the technique, I try and sit with myself often to work on breaking this on-going cycle of expectation.

This brings me to flow. Awareness helps me realize that the extraordinary flow of life is in every single moment. It’s in the day-to-day moments of working towards the want.

Because if we are not happy in the journey to the goal then why would we be happy when we reach the goal?

There is a beautiful abundance that starts to come when you tap into the flow of life. Instead of just lusting after the want.

The Japanese call it ikagai, the French call it raison d’être.

In other words, it is our purpose or a reason to live.

This purpose can be for people you care about or it may be for the work you do. The cool thing is, your ikagai or purpose in life, can be more than just one thing and it can change.

Right now, I am very focused on my career and relationships, but who’s to say that later my focus could shift to my relationships and having a child (or two)!

Hector García and Francesc Miralles wrote a great book called Ikigai and how to find this type of flow in your life.

They break it down as a combination of what you love, what the world needs, what you are good at, and what you can be paid for. 

Finding this “reason to live” is not necessarily easy and it’s a continuous journey of getting knocked off course and choosing to come back to your path. I definitely don’t have it all figured out and probably never will. But now that I am aware, I do know how it feels to find the flow — to find something I love to do, to be with people I love.

I first noticed this idea of flow in moments of joy. The thing I love about joy is how it tries to sneak in all the time.

Joy can be fleeting and consistent. Just like Love and Fear, there is a duality to this emotion.

I find joy in a delicious bite of food, in the Spring rain, a smile from a friend, a song that makes me get up and dance…

When I can’t find joy, one of my favorite practices is to call in gratitude. So when I am not feeling very much in flow with life, I try to shift my perspective to what I already have. This is how I tackle the want when it decides to show up.

An example: I interviewed for a job I desperately wanted and did not get it. That moment of rejection spiraled into: “you are not good enough” and “why are you even doing this?”

My first step out of despair was to go to yoga or be in nature. Those tools help shift my perspective. It was hard to find joy here but I was able to find gratitude. First, gratitude to move my body, to admire the trees, then —gratitude for the opportunity to interview and learn, the courage I had to put myself out there, and the reflection of how far I’ve come.

For me, it is constant work to try to balance the want and flow of life. Moments of joy help me find the flow. Gratitude helps me overcome the want.

The want won’t bring me this ultimatum of happiness but working towards it (in my flow) will. Working towards it and working through it — that’s life!