Our entire life is spent in a relationship. It starts with our relationship with self, next a parent, and then we develop relationships with friends, lovers, colleagues…
Most therapists I know will say that the relationship is an important container. It provides the space for emotion to arise, for support to be given, and then for healing to occur.
I am very lucky to be surrounded by many people who influence these writings. This one is inspired by the two therapists around me (my sister and Dianna).
I felt the urge to write because of a book my sister gave to me: The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other by James Hollis. It is an incredible Jungian perspective on relationship. At times, very much over my head, but also truly eye-opening.
And then the other day, Dianna presented this concept to me — there are only two emotions: Love and Fear.
At first, I didn’t believe her. But then we unpacked it.
There is duality in emotion. Much like there is duality in relationship. Where there is love, there is fear. The fear of losing the one we love.
It reminds me of sthira shuka — a yogic concept which (loosely interpreted) is finding the balance between both strength and softness. Sthira and shuka are opposites, just like to push and to pull. There is force and release. There is power and peace.
In The Eden Project, Hollis says,
“The secret dynamic that stirs the problem of power [in relationship] is always fear.”
Dianna says,
“Once you know the driving emotion is fear that’s when you can get in and find the balance.”
My sister says that I shouldn’t be afraid of fear, or the emotions that accompany it. For without fear, we wouldn’t know love. The two can live in tandem. Just like light and dark, good and evil.
But…what about other emotions like jealousy and desire? How do they stem from Love and Fear?
At least for me (and maybe for you too) when I am jealous of someone, it stems from my own insecurity. I am jealous because “she is prettier than me” or “he is more successful than me.”
I feel I am not good enough or that I am not worthy of the same beauty or success.
I am afraid of not being accepted for who I am.
I love to feel admired and desired, so I present myself to the world in hopes of receiving that love. When someone intimidates my desire for that Love, up comes jealousy and the deep-rooted Fear (don’t make me look at it!) that I am not good enough or I am not worthy of being accepted as I am.
That desire stems from Love. The jealously stems from Fear.
So, this brings us back to the relationship.
The specific natures of relationship are iconic: a mother’s unconditional love for a child, the loyal support of a friend, romance with a a great love…
The best thing about the different types of relationships is how they all start from the relationship with self. Or as Carl Jung likes to say, Self.
Our relationship with self/Self is the most important one. This relationship is how we connect with those wonderful others: mother, friend, lover, colleague etc.
Without a relationship to self, we become lost. We then get lost in others.
When I was 16 and first started to truly explore the romantic relationship, I was still working on my relationship with self. My goal quickly became to find the “perfect partner.”
Someone that would make me feel beautiful and smart — worthy.
I tried so hard to find this sense of worth from the perfect partner, but it never came to fruition.
At 25, during my yoga teacher training, there was a moment when I recalled a childhood memory of being scolded dancing around the classroom like a ballerina. The teacher was just trying to keep class in order. All I felt was shame for being who I am.
Uncovering this memory was a turning point in my relationship with self. I realized what was behind my search for the perfect partner. I was looking to others to tell me I am worthy.
Many of us have been taught the cinderella story that finding your soul-mate, marriage and children, equals the key to happiness.
But there are also different perspectives. The Tibetan monk Thich Nhat Hahn says, “everyone should take a whole year to think about if they want to bring a child into this world.”
At times, I uncover shame for not necessarily wanting the cinderella story. I am trying to have the courage to look inside and know myself.
No matter how beautiful a lover makes me feel, or how talented I am told to be by a colleague — the only way I truly feel worthy is when I find it in intimate moments with self.
When I breathe deeply into the bottom of my belly and feel the core of who I am.
That’s where the Fear lives, but that’s where the Love lives too. The good and the evil, the shame and the desire — what drives my actions out of love and fear.
That’s how I find who I truly am. And this endless search for the magical other is really just an endless search for self.
